The time for King Bhaandmal to announce the successor had come. Whatever little respect he had for Choosamal, was lost over the period of time because of the way he sucked at sword-fighting and more than that, because of the fact that his daughter Poda had become an equally bad warrior. Besides these well proven reasons, he could also sense an incest relationship going on between Poda and Choosa. They had been caught making out a couple of times, but every time, Choosa (whose intelligence has already been established) escaped by terming the act as ‘guru-dakshina’.
One fine day, Bhaandmal went ahead and announced his son’s name as the successor, while Choosamal was asked to work under his son. This totally pissed off the angry young man. More so, the marriage of Poda with Khatam Singh was announced too. This left Choosa with absolutely no reason to hang on in Calm-air. He left the state with a small horse-gang of his to meet Shehenshah Dalaal’s sister’s husband Sadi-fuddeen. Now before I talk about what the two dudes talked about let me give a quick background on Sadi.
When Dalaal was still young and so was his sister, a saint had predicted that she would die if she got married to anyone whose facial hair, when superimposed over Dalaal’s facial hair, matched. Hence, in spite of his bull-dog looks, Sadi was accepted as Dalaal’s behnoi.
Now the problem was that, Sadi was actually a dog. He wanted to rule the nation by fucking off Dalaal. So as soon as Choosamal asked Sadi to help him get the throne of Calm-air, he agreed to help but at the same time made Choosa promise that in return, he would help him attack Delhi at the right time. Choosa was kinda surprised at Sadi’s hidden aspirations but he agreed on the condition that the coup be bloodless.
The news of the deal between Choosamal and Sadi-fuddeen soon reached King Bhaandmal who then got totally psyched out. He and kings of neighbouring states had already received will-you-be-mine types love letters from Shehenshah Dalaal. Choosa going against him was trouble exemplified. He decided against fighting the Mughals, unlike other neighbouring kings who were totally unwilling to compromise. So, when they heard about Bhaand’s decision, they started abusing him, and in the heat of the matter, Khatam Singh’s dad cancelled the engagement. Other kings also made it very clear that they won’t let anyone from their state marry anyone from Calm-air. Now, such a reaction was worse than any battle for Bhaandmal. Suddenly, he had put Poda’s virginity on stake. Who would fuck Poda? Even Choosa was gone!
Bhaandmal first thought of calling Choosamal back and giving him Poda so that he stopped cribbing about the loss of a kingdom (which was once ruled by his dad), kept Poda satisfied and helped him fight the Mughals. But this somehow still didn’t solve the problem of avoiding a battle totally. Then suddenly, a gem of an idea crossed Bhaand’s mind. If he was able to convince Dalaal himself to marry Poda, it would solve both the problems of a. Poda dying a virgin and b. entering into an unnecessary battle. Moreover,a hindu-muslim inter caste was better than an incest marriage any day. So well, he went ahead with the second idea and reached Dalaal’s place to let him know his condition for compromise.
When he reached there, Dalaal was busy fighting a fanatic pachyderm who loved crushing human cocks as the series of images below will illustrate.
Once Dalaal was done with taming-the-elephant-act and saving-a-human-cock, he took a shower and caught up with Bhaand and his chelaas. Dalaal, by the way had a strange problem in his rear which prevented him from sitting directly on his ass on any non-moving surface. So although he never faced any problem while riding a horse or a cock-crusher elephant, when it came to sitting on his thrown, or for that matter sitting on the ground, he always had to kneel-down (as vividly illustrated by the following two pictorial representations of his body posture).
Anyway, leaving aside the sad story of Dalaal’s ass and moving on with the main story, Bhaand mentioned his proposal to the Shehenshah. Dalaal told the King and his men that he would get back to them soon with an answer and bid them adieu. Once they were gone, he realized that it was time to get married and get sorta settled in life. More so, such a marriage would send the message about his religious tolerance to the entire nation, in turn bringing down the incidences of hindu-muslim riots that had become the order of the day. So soon, he sent a message to Bhaand letting him know that he was cool with the marriage.
Dalaal’s acceptance freaked Poda to death. She had grown up on a heavy dose of soaps like Kyoonki Saas bhi kabhi bahu thi (her clothing reflected that). So the very idea of getting married to a guy who didn’t even know what sindoor meant gave her a chill. She had always imagined herself doing the kind of drama that Tulsi aunty did in those serials. How would that be possible without having access to even a temple? Oh no, after the marriage, she doubted if she would still be regarded a Hindu. She needed help. But, unlike today, there was no Bala Saheb or Bajrang dal who could solve poor Poda’s problem.
For the first time in her life, Poda was totally totally missing Choosamal. S0 she wrote him a letter, asking him to come take her. But then she thought that Choosa would anyway return soon to get back his thrown. She could marry him then. More so, that would be a safer option, because in case Choosa failed to get back his kingdom, she could dump him and avoid being called a loser’s wife all her life. The bitch inside her took over and she never posted the letter. As she was thinking about other alternatives, her mom showed up and proposed an idea straight from one of those sissy soaps of which both ma-beti were ardent fans.
Though Poda cursed her mom from inside for thinking like a horny bitch, from outside she just LOLed over the idea. Now usually, when we seriously propose a stupid idea, and the other person starts laughing over it, we sometimes try to hide our embarrassment by saying ‘go die’. Rani Padmavetti went ahead a step further and not just said so but actually gave some real poison to her daughter. Such a dangerous present from her own mom made Poda realize that her life wasn’t very safe with his lunatic parents. That basically meant that she really didn’t have enough time to wait till Choosa finally showed up. So she quickly decided to meet Dalaal herself, and then presented him with her two conditions: a. he won’t force her to change her religion and b. he would let her have her own temple inside his palace. Now, though Dalaal never told anyone, he himself was an Ekta Kapoor soap addict, and had always enjoyed weeping over senti scenes, sipping beer on lonely nights as he watched the late night shows. He immediately agreed to Poda’s conditions and the marriage ceremony took place thereafter. Poda was all set to begin her new life as Tulsi.
The story shall move ahead in the parts to follow.