Lol, I got the first place for doing this:

I would like to thank the following:

Pranava, for making me see monoacting for the first time in Saarang 2007; but for her I would never have tried this out.

MGM, Porko and Mistake, for inspiring me to act (have never seen better actors).

Bhaju, for convincing me to go ahead with the role of this country bhaai who uses hindi gaalis effortlessly, and is hardly ashamed to talk about how he grew his lauda; and for dictating lines from the book, Sacred Games (by Vikram Chandra) to frame the piece.

Shanoo, Prasun, Harsha, Cuppax, Theory, Nimit, Anshuman, Naresh, Bhaju and Tiwari, for listening to the piece and giving in their valuable feedbacks.

Sample, for playing a kickass country ringtone (and for bulbing while switching it off ).

The lovely audience who tolerated something as gross at that; I wonder if I can ever pull of a piece like this anywhere else.

Prachi, Padma, and Krithika for being my guests, inspite of being warned about the grossness of that was about to come!

Cuppax, for lending his black shirt; and Theory for putting fight to get me a shirt.

Tiwari, once again for shooting the video; and Vasanth for lending his camera.

And last but not the least, Anshumani Rudra, for appreciating the fact that acting is not all about narrating lines from a movie or crying on stage; it’s more about living a character effortlessly on stage.

I might have missed some names for sure, and if I did that, I am indeed very sorry! Do lemme know and I’ll be more than pleased to give credits to you!

Update:

Here’s the script, put on request from gen guy (refer comment section of this post):

I was in love with Zoya. Suddenly I didn’t want to fast forward all the love songs in the movies. No, I wanted to soar for four and a half minutes….

Abhi naa jaao chhod k eke dil abhi bhara nahi…

The very thought of revealing my love, made me flush and tingle like I had a fever. I dint tell the boys, I dint tell anyone. I dint even tell Zoya. I just gave her diamonds, a new car, and sent her regular shipments of cash.

I am sure she understood. We spoke everyday over phone and she told me stories of her day and her excitement for the future. I listened and gave her advice and dreamed with her. In those days everything seemed possible, even a bigger lauda.

(Phone rings)

Bol,
Bhenchod, ek baar bola ke game baja daalne ka, to bajaa daalne ka,
Chahe vo CM ka saala ho ya khud CM
Agli call, bhadwe to tapkaane ke baad karna,
uske pehle kiya, to mai tera game baja daloonga,
chal phone rakh abhi.

(I hang up the phone)

I loved Zoya so much that I was determined to be bigger for her. In Bangkok I could have bought a tiger’s penis, and had it pounded into pills that promised me potency and stamina. But I was long past such superstitions. In this age of research and development I could expand scientifically. By then I was more fluent in handling the computers and I told the boys i didn’t want to be disturbed, closed the door and I searched. I had trouble with the language at first. Typing in lauda found a site for an airline named exactly that and a site about some racing car driver and another one about a drug called laudanum.

I typed in big cock. Now I got listings of dozens of sites offering pictures of enormous laudas in every color. I dint want that. I had to struggle for a few minutes until I remembered penis, from an article in the times of India about elephants and their mating habits.

Finally I found lots of sites that aroused my interest: www.100%penisenlargement.com, www.betterpenis.info, yes, much better.

So I read, and learnt and thought. I took many days to make my decision. I wanted length but I also had to have a girth. It had to be steel hard, a sleek tireless engine that zoya would love.

And then I found Dr. Rennes. A week after I began weeding out the thickets of penis size, I came about www.scientificpenis.com. The name itself was an attraction and I clicked on it right away.

Finally the true secret was right there in front of me: pump more blood in to the penile arteries. And this was achieved through a daily program of exercises, first an application of a hot compress, a towel soaked in hot water and then molded around the penis. That was followed by the main exercise, which was a milking motion, with thumb and forefinger ringed from the base of the lightly lubricated penis to the head. I tried it right then, in front of the computer, the milking I mean, not the hot towel. Yes it was true, if you drew the finger ring down the length of the semi erect penis, you could see the blood being forced to the head. I began that very evening. And after forty seven days of regular and sustained penis exercise I registered a growth of half an inch.

(Adapted from Sacred Games by Vikram Chandra)

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Can you help this guy?

I have his name, phone number and his e-mail address. Leave a message, and I shall send the info to you.

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Shaastra2007 Main T shirt 2

Copywriter: Neeharika

Graphic-work: Vatsap, Mamme

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Shaastra2007 Main T shirt 1

Copywriter: Vatsap

Graphic-work: Vatsap

Additional inputs: Caesar, Neeharika

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Copywriter: Sania

Graphic work: Vasanth

Finishing touches: Vatsap

Ad for Hindu (Chennai)

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*Smail is the internal mailing service of IIT Madras. If you send a mail to students@iitm.ac.in, your mail gets delivered to every damn student’s smail-box. Insti junta know how annoying it gets at times. Others, have fun over the following series of mails exchanged over smail.

Here goes the story:

A Mr. Gogate loses his notebook in his department, but instead of sending the mail to his department group, decides to spam the entire student community of IIT Madras by sending

i left my note book in the aero dept AEDH class room.

if any one finds it please contact. or leave it at the aero dept ofce.

Gaurav Gogate
98********
****, Cauvery
MS Aerospace.

I get annoyed. I decide to spam back- a big mistake that I soon realized (I should have had sent him a personal message). Anyways, following is what I replied to him with a cc to students@iitm.ac.in:

Hi, Gourav, Gogate it from the backyard of SAC. The note book has been buried 10 feet inside ground, and for the purpose of identification of the spot that needs to be dug, a small box which contains a shit mixture (10% crow-shit, rest monkey’s) has been placed over it. I know the entire research community is looking for that notebook, so Gogate it before any one else does. All the best.

Alright, I don’t give a rat’s leg to your note book but I have a serious suggestion too. Inscribe the words of your annoying mail on the first page of all you notebooks (which you still haven’t lost), so that you never have to spam again.

Regards
A non-spammer who prefers blogging.

Alright, it was mean of me to rape him on smail, but he deserved it right? Once again, I realize that I should have had sent a personal message. Anyways, read on the follow-up mails. The first reaction (once again sent to everyone) was by a certain Raviteja, further shouting at Mr. Gogate:

Mail the whole world about it!! You have a better chance of finding it!!

And just when I thought, more students would shoot in mails cursing Gogate, the reverse happened. I got a personal mail by a second year kiddo Vivek:

Hi amrit,

Better you go and get some check up done… if at all you want to send a mail, why dont you send it to him directly… if this is not spamming what is it, Mr.”A non-spammer who prefers blogging.” Get to your senses and if at all you feel the urge to send such a mail and cannot curb it please send it to someone who would not mind it in his mailbox and not spam to everyone in the insti.

Both Gogate and myself were spammers. I accept. I wonder if the kiddo also replied to Gogate (I so much wish he did). Anyways, I sent a quick apology (if you call it one) to Vivek:

Lol. Got back to my senses bro!

Now, just when I thought the story was over, another insti-mate decided to make me feel bad about myself. He wrote back yet another personal mail:

Hi Amrit,

I am a bystander in this case but the crudity and the condescending attitude of your mail has spurred me to write this to you.

However you may feel about a certain somebody spamming the entire crowd for losing a notebook, sending such a insulting mail to an open public forum certainly doesn’t speak much about you. If you had felt peeved at his act, you have every right to vent your fury at him. But I presume that you must have practiced some constraint and sent this mail to him as a private message and not on the general list.

Moreover, the way in which you mock his surname fails to bring out any laughs but it certainly manages to bring utter sighs of exasperation directed towards your ill sense of humor.

Sincerely,
Shrey Ginoria

My sense of humor could be ill, but Mr. bystander’s mail totally threw me off ‘d chair! Lol, who uses terms like “crudity” and “condescending”? Anyways, I replied back a sorry to this guy who could not laugh at the way I mocked Gogate’s surname! Ginoria was followed by a Mr. Rams who again emphasized on the same mistake that I did (by sending a personal mail of course). But made did a blunder. Read his mail:

Dear Mr. Amrit,

If u want convey something to Mr. Cogate u send him personal mail. Why you send a cc: to all?
Hope u understand.

Regards,
Rams.

Alright, I had made pun on Gogate’s surname but I at least didn’t misspell it as Cogate! LOL! Cogate sounds so much like a toothpaste. I offered my sorry to Rams as well and also made him realize his mistake!

Ok. So the story continues. Finally came the mail that I was keenly expecting. Yes, the one from (by then legendary) Mr. Gogate himself! But guess what, in spite of the public rape, he spammed again. Once more, he wrote a mail to everyone, which said:

hi amrit,

i really dont want get into this non sense. still. ur mail has to b replied to.
tell me just one thing– how did u find out the shit – mixture – percentage?
sorry everyone else.

Gaurav.

Besides anything else, I laughed on the fact that this time Mr. Gogate, oops, Gaurav preferred not to use his sirname! LOL! I realized that some people will never learn to stop spamming. I had learned. I sent him a simple personal mail:

LOL. Chill. Pack. I was frustrated over the infinite number of spams that keep pouring in on smail.

Regards
Amrit

And just when I thought that the story was almost over, a ROTFLmax mail popped up from no one else but from insti’s ex gen-sec (or so I assume).

Before you read his mail, notice the number of groups/people to which he spammed:

to: gs@iitm.iitm.ac.in, ac@smtp.iitm.ac.in, in@smtp.iitm.ac.in

cc: amrit@iitm.ac.in, gaurav@smail.iitm.ac.in, chandy@iitm.ac.in

And here goes his mail:

Dear SGS,

I agree with the point raised by responses by some students, Amrit and others, that students@iitm is not meant for posts about lost/found item. Such emails are irritating although they were not meant by the authors to be so. Never the less, they amount to no less than spamming. The easiest thing which people do is to let it go by a simple click on delete button and save the energy for something better.

But what is more irritating is the responses to such lost/found postings. Such responses are sent to students@iitm and even more surprisingly they beat the moderators and reach all students. Just read a reply to one such lost/found post, I am attaching here. It’s plainly disgusting! The student who has written this reply must have been flared up like a hot iron. So the result too is no less than a hate-mail and a spam put together. The reply is a desparate attempt in a fit of rage to demoralise the orginal author by exhibiting his wild imagination and also by making mockery of the other’s surname. According to me the later is not a pardonable offense. This email is a clear indication of the lost peace of the responder’s mind. I wonder if he replies every lost/found post in the same way. If he is doing so then he is doing more harm to himself than any one else.

So I request you and the concerned authority to help him and many others (including me) by
1. installing the discussion forum at the earliest,
2. refining moderation policies (which won’t allow lost/found posts and responses to lost/found posts) and
3. counselling students whose emotional outbursts may cause an extreme irritation among readers and also strain the relations between the original author and the responder over an issue which wasn’t worth a single naya paisa.

In writing this mail, I mean no offence to both the students, Gaurav and Amrit and to the others who have replied in a similar fit of rage. But saying so I must say that such issues should never be allowed to disturb our peace of mind and a restraint must be observed in open expressions made in public. Both students may please note that I am not spamming the mailing list in response to an angry reply.

With best regards
Prasad

————————————————————-
Off. Research Scholar (PhD), I C Engines Laboratory (DoMechE)
Res. Room No. ***, Cauvery Hostel (0 94** *** ***)
Indian Institute of Technology Madras, Chennai – 600036

Visit my photoblog at http://myprasad.blogspot.com

Notice the last line of his mail: I have never ever seen a worst spam in my life! He got a prompt taunt from dear friend Gokul who made the lovely Contraptions design for Shaastra 2005.

Dude, u jus redefined spamming! Congrats!
That’s 6K*5000 bytes of shit.

Gokul

Long live the spammers!

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