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But fuck, who cares!

And after exhibiting a lot of energy over the past one week, I am back to being lazy. Couldn’t sleep all night yesterday, so watched Impractical Jokers on Youtube till 5 or may be 6 in the morning. And then fell asleep and got up only after noon. And have done nothing productive all day. And it’s 8 pm already. Fuck, who cares!

At least a lazy day like this makes me feel like writing something. Because I have a blog. Which my brother uses more than I do to spam my subscribers with paid blogs about the cool gifts his site Dezains offers. Just deleted all the dozen odd posts. I wonder if I have any subscriber left any more. LOL!

Whenever I come here to write, I have the same recurring feeling – where will this experimentation with my life take me? How long would I really be making money by clicking pictures in weddings! The whole idea of getting paid to click pictures in weddings as a means of livelihood surprises me as much today as it did about two and half years back, when I was first introduced to the idea. For some reason, I always believe this is not a long term sustainable business model. What makes me think so? I don’t know – just plain intuition. Something feels wrong about this being a way of life till the time you are say 50 or 60. I mean the world would have fucking changed so drastically by the time I turn 50. And I simply can’t imagine myself doing the same thing then that I am doing now. Sounds stupid. At least today.

Amongst other things that might evolve into something bigger and more sustainable, are my short documentary movies. I have been making them over the last several months. At present, I’ve more than a dozen on my 3MS site – and I even got paid for making some of them. Now how cool is that? But every time I finish making one, I get this feeling it is way off my threshold of something that I can be truly proud of. I find them just about ok. They are not great. And I am getting impatient to get there. Because just about ok is simply not good enough. I was in McLeodganj in October for few days attending the Dharmashala Film Fest. Got to see some pretty impressive full lengthy documentary movies and interact with some good indie movie directors (like Rajat Kapoor). Though that didn’t have any direct tangible impact in the direction in which my movie-making life is moving, I do think it was a slight push towards a different life that’s shaping up. I don’t know what that is, and I can’t predict it, but I can feel it.

Biwi has been asking where next should we plan our vacation. It was in Feb that we visited New Zealand and it’s December now. So it’s been 10 months. So we should plan the next big vacation soon. But this time around, unlike earlier times, I just don’t feel too kicked up about packing my bags and going to a place as a tourist. I am doing more interesting things already to need a break to act like a tourist. I can understand going to a place to meet someone or to attend something or to experience something specific. But to just go to a place and visit as a tourist sounds more depressing than it has ever done, earlier in my life.

Fuck, I have been writing and writing. And I don’t even know what for. I am in Hyderabad and will be here for about a week. There are three days of shoot – a wedding documentary movie work, that is paying me well. But fuck, who cares!

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