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To life, I toast. Wherever it takes me.

They always ask you, don’t they, your wives, your girlfriends – ‘do you love me’? And you always tell them, yes.

Yes?

Always?

That’s a lie, ain’t it? At least for me. I don’t feel in love all the time. Yes, there are those moments, when you know you are in love. Whatever the hell love is. You know that, at that particular slice of time, you actually want to go to her, or if she is not around, call her up, and just let her know, that you love her. Whatever the hell love is.

Every other time, when she raises the question and you you answer in affirmative, it is just to avoid inconvenience. Like what would you tell her otherwise anyway? That you are not sure? That at that particular moment when she asked you, you are not sure? Bullshit.

Maybe because we want to keep our lives simple, we don’t give a shit to truth. Peace matters more than truth I guess. Even when you really think about it, how long are you going to peaceful with lies anyway? Pata nahi.

Some time back we were in Blue frog. Me, MRP, Tota and Maina. So have I totally totally gotten over Maina? The convenient answer is yes, but is that the truth? In fact that is almost true but is that the 100% truth? Of course not! ‘Maina looks very under-confident, why is it so, asked MRP yesterday. I didn’t know what to tell her. I don’t even know the Maina that exists today – haven’t really spoken to her that much. It was some other Maina that I knew and the very mention of the word under-confident brought me back memories of the under-confident Maina who I knew of. With whom, I spent such an awesome time back there in insti.

No wonder I felt uncomfortable with MRP asking about Maina. Because for her there is just one Maina. For me, there are two of them. Whatever Maina may be today, there was a time, and if not a time, a set of moments spread over time, when all I had for her was pure love. Whatever the hell love may be.

Ah, this is going nowhere. I wonder why I am writing all this here. Creating problems for myself, confusing people reading this. Confusing them about who I am, what I think. But do I really have a control over who I am and what I think? The only control that I have is over how I act or behave. I guess only few people will understand the depth of this post and may be so it is okay. Or may be Tota will get upset and stop talking to me once more. Like it was few years ago.

MRP, I want you to know that what I really enjoy is letting you be a part of my life, even if you annoy me at times, because you annoy me much less than anyone else. And you do make me feel loved by your sweet gestures once in a while. Similarly, I like being a part of your life – but just once in a while. Often, I am simply happy all by myself. Yes, there are times, when I feel like hugging you tight and giving you a peck on your cheek and holding you close to me for a long long time,  till either you or I sleep away. And that’s a lovely feeling, a wonderful feeling. That’s pure love. And yet, if I ever I think how life is going to be without you (which for whatever reasons, I hardly ever think because even the idea of that sounds very hypothetical), I don’t panic. I am prepared. I am like, fine, I will go on. With my cute little plans and things-to-do list, which will take up all my life anyway. Because the fact is, I was done with letting love for a girl rule my life, being the centre of my life. But just because I am done with it does not mean I don’t remember about the time when it was not so. When you ask me if I love you, my soul always thinks of what the word love had meant to me once, and it realizes that whatever I have for you, feel for you, is nowhere close to what I have been capable of.

And yet, I still think we are perfect to get married to. I think we can keep living together for many more years, the way we have lived together for so many months now.

Don’t ask me why I wrote this now. What does this post of mine means. I just felt like letting it all out. For you, for Maina. and for Tota.

There are things I can never forget. That standing on my hostel terrace trying to jump. Then giving it up because I thought let’s see what happens if I assume I am dead. I have been doing great ever since. Just that I am still dead. If not completely, then partially. Something did die that day and I know will never come back.

I can never forget how Tiwari dragged me from my room to our hostel bog. Because I had been lying there for ages without food and water. And then how he made water run over me. And brought me bak to life. whatever was left of.

I also remember trying it so hard for TF. Because there was so much of love, it had to flow somewhere. And when it was not collected by anyone, it jut flew out of the drain I guess. I can never forget how LOLY kept me active on the social circuit – cutting me off from isolation. Taking me to plays and pubs. I can never forget how Tota let it go finally and we started talking to each other the way we always used to, letting that stupid phase of our lives when we didn’t speak to each other fade away. And that doesn’t mean I don’t also remember the day he came to me and told me that the only reason we were friends was that he had been allotted a room next to me in Sarayu. That I was such a bad person that no other way would we have been friends. I wonder if he still believes in that. Because I don’t. I think may be he was very angry that day when he said that. I don’t really remember what day was that. Or what the context was. But those words still rattle. Somewhere.

Coming back to you MRP, you ask me often, if i will miss you when you are gone away from me for a day or two. And I always tell you I will let you know if I will miss you.  Because that’s exactly how it is with me. Even when I might actually miss you now and then, I don’t want to think about the two of us in that I-dont-want-to-miss-her ever kind of a way. I want to be prepared to live with whatever i have. I have very little fear of losing all that I have. That day when, when I had wanted to die so much,  I had lost everything. All that I have today, you, a nice job, friends who still exist, family who still wants me to spend time with them, are more than what I can ask for – things over and above a zero state of having. I belong to the zero state and so I don’t think I am made to miss anything. That does not mean I will not feel bad if I actually lose something. Be it you or my job or my lifestyle. But i don’t fear it too much. I have no intentions to hold on very tightly to anything.  I don’t keep praying to god that – ‘please  don’t take away anything from me’. I am always ready to keep going through whatever comes my way. And may be that’s why I act so weird at times. That’s why I never go overboard trying to make you happy. Because I want you to be happy irrespective of me. I want everyone to be happy just by themselves. Everything else is only a bonus.

Following are still the coolest things that I want to do, and will do them as and when I will.

Writing a book
reading 1000 books.
climbing Mt. Everest
Riding a horse from Manali to Leh
Sex on the beach
Playing the role of a villain in a movie

I still think this is all I really care do in this life. And may be a permanent fan following that keeps my ego happy. Ah, I so refuse to change. To life, I toast. Wherever it takes me.

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