Dear Member

There’s something essentially wrong in being referred to as “Dear Member”. I am not sure what is exactly wrong in that but whatever it is, it’s definitely not one of those  plain and simple wrongs – it is one of those ‘essentially’ wrongs. No person should be referred to as “Dear Member”. That’s gay. That’s what a drunk philosopher would use to refer to his short dick when in shower, swinging his ass and whistling one of those cowboy movie theme songs – something of that sort.

Anyway, that’s how they refer to me – my gym people. No, no – of course not in person ‘coz if they did that, I would take out my ‘member’ then and there and ask it to spit on their faces. They do that when they send me e-mails you know. ‘Dear Member’, we have a news for you – those kind of emails. Luckily they don’t send too many e-mails but they do send once in a while. Now tell me, how interested would you be to read an e-mail that starts with something as disgusting as ‘Dear Member’. I joined your gym, alright, but you cannot keep referring to me as a Dear Member! It’s gross. It’s pukish. Calling that gross and pukish might be taking things too far but thatt’s at least annoying. That’s annoying and that’s depressing. That’s something that is bound to make you feel like you own a shady life-long membership of one of those creepy porn-websites of the late 90’s. “Dear Member – download our latest XXX porn stuff at 50% discount”. Dear Member, Dear Member, cummon, get ready to jack off. Of course that is gross. I no more think that using ‘gross’ was taking things too far.

‘Dear Member’! I don’t think that’s how the speakers of Parliament refer to the MPs when they send them e-mails, do they? Actually I am not sure if these speakers send e-mails and all that. They look like some old rotting people who won’t know how to upload pictures of their ass on Facebook. But that’s not the point. The point is that even if speakers did start sending e-mails to the ‘members’ of the parliament, they won’t refer to these MPs as members. They can’t do that. A speaker cannot do that. He / she might be old and rotting and dirty and all that but he / she will have enough courtesy to use something polite like ‘Dear sir’ or ‘Dearest Sir’, or ‘Dear Mr. so and so’ or anything less disgusting than what my gym people use to refer to me when they send me e-mails.

So what was this latest mail about anyway – announcement of some one day Bone-Density camp. It actually was – BONE DENSITY CAMP – yeah that’s how it was written in the email, all three words in caps and not to forget, in red colour. When you refer to someone as a “Dear Member” and tell him / her about some red colored bloody event about bones and all that, you are violating human rights – yes that’s what you are doing. I like my gym and even those two short trainers with short hair, orange t-shirts and black pants. I also like that good looking lady in orange t-shirt who sits at the reception. I am not sure who sends these e-mails. Actually, I am not sure I want to know who does it. It has to be one of these three – but I don’t want to know who exactly that is. I don’t want to start disliking one of them because they send me disgusting e-mails that begin with ‘Dear Member’. I guess I will go for this camp thingy anyway. I know I will keep feeling gay and all that when I go but I would go anyway. I might also keep feeling red, though right now I am not too sure what kind of feeling would that be – feeling red. BONE DENSITY CAMP.

Of course I Wikied for Bone Density. All of us do that when we are asked to attend a BONE DENSITY CAMP. There is something essentially wrong if you are curious about some new term and all that, and you have access to internet BUT you still don’t wiki for that term. May be the speakers of the Parliament won’t do that. But you and  I would. So yeah, I Wikied. I so wanted bone-density to mean something other than the density of one’s goddamn bone you know – but no, that’s what it exactly meant. How else can one depress someone more?

The problem with Wikipedia is that it almost always has more stuff than you need to know. I mean once I was trying to know who designed that cute clock put up at the Big Ben in London but I ended up reading more about the affairs of that good looking princes Dianna who died when her driver crashed the whole goddamn car into some solid shit. Anyway, so that’s the deal about Wikipedia. It has too much stuff. And how does it have so much of stuff? Because even wikipedia has members – millions of them! But do the wiki-people send e-mails to their members that start with “Dear Member’? Of course they don’t. No, I don’t have any proof but cummon, they just can’t do that! No one would do that but my gym-people.  Folks who run something so cute and so white and so neat and classy like Wikipedia won’t ever do something like that. – referring to their members as ‘Dear Member’ in e-mails. They are not the people who would go ahead and  violate human-rights like that. Only my orange coloured gym-people would do that. Yeah, it’s not just the t-shirts. That whole interior on whatever floor you go, is orangish too. Yes, there are other colors too but that place has more orange than anything. Sometimes I wonder how that orange t-shirt guy who sends these e-mails would feel if someone referred to him like that – ‘Dear Member’. Of course, I know it might be ‘her’ too, who sends these emails, but I so wish it’s not her – that lady receptionist  -‘coz I really really like her and you know, kind of smile at her whenever our eyes meet. I really wish it’s not her. Maybe, when I shall go for this red bone-collecting camp where after the test and all that, they would finally tell me that that my bone’s lighter than water, I would raise this issue about them sending me and other members such mails. Or may be, I won’t. That’s not the kind of issues folks who go to gyms raise. Folks who go to gym think about triceps, biceps, abs, bench press, chin-ups, push-ups, even Surya-namaskar, and raise issues about muscle sprain, injuries, diet and all that healthy stuff. After this camp thing, some might even start raising issues about densities of bones but no one will display his or her resentment towards being referred to in that gay fashion. May be I should keep quiet for some time.

3 replies on “Dear Member”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *