I am worried about myself.
I am here in the best college in India which can give anyone a masters degree in civil infrastructral engineering. It was indeed an effort to get in here.
It will take more than two and a half years before I am awarded with the degree. That will be a dual Bachelor’s and Masters degree.
I never feel like an engineer. Will this world respect me as an engineer when I step out of this great institute of technology?
A few moments ago, I googled for a civil infrastructure company and that led me to the webpage of “never heard before” Colorado based civil infrastructure company. There was a link that led to internship program at that place. As I read it, i found out they take about 20 guys each year as interns and involve them in their projects. Can I ever be one of them? Will they ever call ME?
There are obviously more crucial questions to be answered. Why do I want them to take me in? Well the answer is pretty simple. I wanna get hands-on experience in this engineering field because this is the area in which I am going to be called a Pro. But have I ever cared about being a Pro. Have I ever looked at things that way. No.
So you understand now why I am worried. I am worried about myself. I am worried about my attitude towards life. I dont say I dont like my attitude. I love it. But that gives me pains sometimes. Specially when I realize I have been missing on something because of the way I have set myself mentally. And just because I love this attitude so much, its so difficult to change it. Am I confusing you? Oh.. I think I should have better told you about my attitude in the first place.
I will call it “carefree”. It gives a sense of freedom when I get up with this attitude. It gives me pleasure. It lets me feel life whatever way I want to. And so i love this attitude.
But then it sure has a problem. I dont care about the future. The future’s not going to care about me. So this is how this carefree attitude gives me pain. Whenever my mind does the future-probing, the same attitude that makes blood run inside me at other time, hits me with a solid bang.
Bang Bang. I dont need to conclude all the times. Do I?? Dint I tell you I am carefree?
One reply on “2:51 AM and its me who’s suddenly worried”
This is me, Vatsap. So many things have changed in more than two years, haven’t they? I still remember the night when you wrote this post. I still remember how you had worked like an ass for Shaastra that semester. Oh, I remember so many things about you. This was your fifth semester, and you were so unsure about what had future in store for you.
After all these years, how do you feel, eh? 🙂 I know you can never reply. These thoughts are frozen. You don’t exist any more. I miss you a lot Amrit. And since I am your present, I hope wherever you are, you feel good about how I have been taking care of myself.
I have an end sem today, and before that there’s a seminar presentation. Wish me luck. I shall resume mugging. 🙂